ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize