You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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