Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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