It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
