I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
