bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
