So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
