My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
