If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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