I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
pray to the hookup gods
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
