He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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