I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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