Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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