I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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