I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize