You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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