Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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