I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
