morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
