it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
