I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
