FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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