I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You are a genius and a whore.
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