Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
