My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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