nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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