come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
