That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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