I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
