Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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