I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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