So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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