it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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