Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
