I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
