I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
