It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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