; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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