I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
