Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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