the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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