I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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