I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
