omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize