she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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