Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
