I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
