i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
