Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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