He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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