i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
