Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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