Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
