Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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