if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
