I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
