id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
