Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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