it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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