I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
